Time to leave….

It happened as I sat on the hairdresser’s chair… No, it happened that morning as soon as I woke up. I knew my time was up in this town… I had fulfilled the purpose and it was time for my next adventure… Would it be goodbye… Or just ‘see you soon’… Only time would tell… Sit back… Let’s go back in time. I’ll tell you a story… 

A few years back I had a sudden urge, almost heart wrenching long for my country… The family I left behind, the food, the music and their peculiar way of life… You know, the very little things that made my childhood unforgettable. For many months, most or all my conversations somehow linked back to a fond memory or the other. My guess was the universe was telling me it’s time to visit… to spend time and immerse myself in the things my heart longed for…

So got my ticket and called home… At first, they didn’t understand but it didn’t matter. My mind was already made up… The flight back was scary yet exciting. I was finally going to have my heart’s desire. It had been a dream for a long time. I was home,  I was happy… But it didn’t last long…

Fast forward to a day at the hairdresser… I stared out of the window… and in a flash, I got a nostalgic feeling of a country I had visited almost a year before. I miss travelling… My wings are ready to soar again… for My hearts not in this place anymore…

Excitement floods my soul as I count down to my flight to base… My escape. Who would have thought I’d be this excited to return to a place I once felt trapped… Guess sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder…

Hello London…this girl missed you loads… Thanks for loving her back… 

And then it begins… the cycle repeats… But this time it’s not for a country far away… But a new desk… A new team. For I feel in my heart… It’s time to leave… 

I tried my best…

I read the email… I thought I had it in the bag. The resources were supplied… I read them over and over again… It almost became like a nursery rhyme in my head… In my mind, I could see past the finish line… Yes, me holding that trophy standing on the podium…

Reality hit different… Oh, so very different. The days leading up to it were unbearable… So many anxiety attacks… I couldn’t understand why and where these came from… Why am I so restless, heavy and out of breath? I’ve crossed the t’s and dotted the I’s like they say…. But just to be safe… I’ll browse online for more research… Now I think I stand a good chance…

‘D’ day and I’m singing a victory tune in my head… Why? Because I believed I would smash it. “Good afternoon… ” I could hear myself pause ever so often… The glass of water trick didn’t seem to work… Instead, it made me look like I was leaking lol… It wasn’t going as planned… Where did they get all these strange questions from? Was I in the wrong room with the wrong people? I mumbled some more… Something in me felt I disappointed quite a few people… Those who believed in me enough to give me a slot… Those who tried not to cringe through the session… And myself…

Never again would I boast in myself… Believing I got it all… Today I was humbled… Yes, thrown back to reality with a loud thud! My confidence should never be in my ability but in the one who gives the stability…

Either way, I get a response… And either way, I learnt a lesson today. I have a lot to learn…

Not perfect…

Have you been in a relationship, found love, moved into a new home, started a new job, gotten married or had kids and it all seemed perfect at first? But a couple of days, weeks and months after it felt like the ‘honeymoon period was over…? Those things don’t feel or seem so exciting anymore… Maybe you begin to think you got it wrong somehow… You begin to see the ‘not so nice’ side and begin to wonder how you ever missed the signs…

Of course, we tend to believe the best in everything and everyone… But maybe we are so blindsided we focus on the roses and forget the many thorns that come with the package… Did we set ourselves up by believing what we were sold? No one tells you about the sleepless nights with the babies or the annoying habits of being with the ‘love of your life’ up close and personal… Those things they do that make you think of your life early in the morning over a nice hot cup of lemon tea lol. Or the colleague who suddenly begins to morph before your eyes…

Sometimes we think to run… Get out of the situation or just be so hard on ourselves for not seeing things or people as they are… Or maybe we have to manage our expectations in the future and so when anything bursts our fantasy bubble, we’re prepared and ready …

I for one would pick myself up… It’s hardly about me… Or is it? Never take it personally… Just keep being you and never let something or someone else determine your mood or happiness… You owe it to yourself and your peace of mind… Shake it off like water off a duck’s back they say.

Here’s to making better choices with eyes wide open and a heart strong enough to let things go…

Lost

For a couple of days, I’ve felt so lost. In the sense that I seemed to have little or no zest for the things I would normally love doing. For instance, I love food. More eating out than cooking *rolls eyes*, but I do cook once in a Blue Moon when something gets a hold of me. Lol. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my frequent visits to the kitchen to put something together. More like I’m eating to survive than cooking from a happy place. Has that ever happened to you?

I don’t know if it makes sense but my mind is pretty much on snooze mode. It’s been that way for a while. Maybe it’s the after shock of the lockdown or constantly trying not to live in fear of what’s out there. I recently had a work update kinda refresh meeting a while back and to be honest, I was totally blank. I wasn’t in the mood and everything that was said pretty much went out the window before it hit me. Was it burnout? Or something did happen to me? Thankfully, the person on the other end understood. Their response? “We’re all in this together”. How reassuring was that? They didn’t push or make me feel like there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t alone, and that felt soothing. Another person shared and understood the void…Blankness.

The next day it felt like I had been injected with some kind of ‘energy-you-can-conquer-the world’ drug because I worked on the projects assigned to me. But guess what happened after? I was back to that sinking feeling… I tried to express myself through words but nothing, zilch… Nada. As much as I love to write, I couldn’t think of anything… I had left the building somehow, no inspiration what’s so ever. And the worst? No desire to order a takeaway!! OMG! Houston we have a problem!!! So I decided to take it a day at a time. Yes, I may have the random Haribos for dinner and cereals more often than not, but one day I hope to get back to doing one of the things I absolutely love- Eating and cooking…

Till then, enjoy the flashbacks of the ‘good’ times, and remember we’re all in this together.

Hang in there, it’ll soon be over.

Baby…

‘We had a baby!’

These words never hurt as much as they did this morning when I came across a post on Facebook. Yes, I was excited for her. She just had a baby but there was an issue buried deep down in my heart I didn’t know existed till I saw the post… I clicked on the picture and saw the gorgeous baby…

Why did it hurt so much? Maybe I realized there was something in my life that was missing… or maybe something I haven’t achieved yet. Not that I wanted a baby, No… it just made me think of the many dreams and visions I had lined up months ago for the years ahead… Yes, I am an ‘active’ dreamer… Not just a dreamer, but I challenge myself to fulfil everything I see in my head. But life over the past few months has taught me and many others that sometimes we make plans then without warning, ‘fate’ throws a spanner of some sort in the works. So everything or maybe most things I wanted to achieve… you know, ‘the vision board’… just seemed like cardboard filled with wishes… yes… wishes… That hurt.

Seeing the baby triggered loads of thoughts… and for a bit, I must admit I was down… didn’t want to get out of bed.. and it got me thinking how many people might feel this same way with all that’s happening in the world due to the lockdown. Almost every day there’s a new company laying off staff… Companies that for so long seemed like the yardstick for the perfect business. Well, now we know there is no such thing as perfect right? Just ‘good’ for the moment. It’s all about being quick to adapt… Get hit, knocked down, and maybe dazed for a couple… But we need to get back up and try again, keep trying and adapting to changes as they come. Yes, we fall seven times but we get up every time…

Something that helped was picking up my laptop and writing about the ‘pain’… Also, remembering the dreams I got to see in real life… The many times I smiled at myself thinking… ‘This is real, it came true’. So people, let’s get our vision boards back up… We’ve got a lot of work to do!

But first, some chicken wings lol…