He has my heart…

“When we fall, we take God with us…” Those words hit like a lightning bolt… The past couple of months have been tough… But somehow you remember who’s you are… How far you’ve come…and how much he sacrificed to get you here… Yes, you’re finally in a good place… Free from the entanglements that looked like pearls… Chains painted in gold… Lies wrapped up in foil… Finally free from the pain.. The anger that kept you bound for years…but somehow… Your heart begins to jump…do cat wheels just thinking about “it” again… Sigh

It’s a natural feeling… Or so you tell yourself each time those lights go off… You know, those moments that trigger the desires… I wasn’t looking I promise… I always said the truth about that… A lie would complicate things… Just tell it as it is… He’ll understand… Never judge…

He has my heart…but I want someone to hold my hands… My hips and lips… Is it wrong to desire something so sweet…so powerful…yet so damaging in the “wrong” hands…? I want it…you..but I can’t do this to him… It will hurt him… Me…

Maybe it’ll happen as I’ve always imagined or notOr maybe it’ll drop in my laps when I least expected… On a hot summer day sitting under the weeping willow tree…

Sayonara Baby!!

After the PM’s announcement last night, I felt like moonwalking and break dancing around the apartment haha. Yes, folks, there’s light at the end of the tunnel… So get your swimsuits, bikinis, shorts, sun creams (probably expired as it feels like we’ve been in lockdownn for almost a century lol) and get packing… Well, not like it’s going to happen tomorrow… Just the thought of travelling again… And at the perfect time too…*beats a drum* summer…

I need to get the dust out of the suitcases lol… Do some laundry… That’s if I can find where I stashed my holiday clothes lol. Do you have a different wardrobe for different activities or it’s just me…*side eye* hahaha. Well, I have hot climate clothes(anything from shorts, vests, sunglasses.. You know, the whole shabang), then we have the winter ‘wonderland’ lol… No guessing what’s in there… Gloves, scarves, jumpers and quite possibly a burn fire too lol. Then the ‘office’ wears which in the past one year have began to smell a bit mouldy stashed up in the attic lol, I don’t know if I want to go there… Then the lounge wears… Yea, they have become the only clothes that feature most in the laundry basket these days lol… But now that things are gradually getting back to normal, I fear I might have lost my sense of style haha… Don’t blame me… That’s what happens when you mix two different outfits in a Team/Zoom meeting to look formal and yet comfortable…

Oh well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there… For now, I’m all about check in, extra luggage, duty-free and holidays by the beach… Sayonara Baby!!!

See you soon!!

Baby…

‘We had a baby!’

These words never hurt as much as they did this morning when I came across a post on Facebook. Yes, I was excited for her. She just had a baby but there was an issue buried deep down in my heart I didn’t know existed till I saw the post… I clicked on the picture and saw the gorgeous baby…

Why did it hurt so much? Maybe I realized there was something in my life that was missing… or maybe something I haven’t achieved yet. Not that I wanted a baby, No… it just made me think of the many dreams and visions I had lined up months ago for the years ahead… Yes, I am an ‘active’ dreamer… Not just a dreamer, but I challenge myself to fulfil everything I see in my head. But life over the past few months has taught me and many others that sometimes we make plans then without warning, ‘fate’ throws a spanner of some sort in the works. So everything or maybe most things I wanted to achieve… you know, ‘the vision board’… just seemed like cardboard filled with wishes… yes… wishes… That hurt.

Seeing the baby triggered loads of thoughts… and for a bit, I must admit I was down… didn’t want to get out of bed.. and it got me thinking how many people might feel this same way with all that’s happening in the world due to the lockdown. Almost every day there’s a new company laying off staff… Companies that for so long seemed like the yardstick for the perfect business. Well, now we know there is no such thing as perfect right? Just ‘good’ for the moment. It’s all about being quick to adapt… Get hit, knocked down, and maybe dazed for a couple… But we need to get back up and try again, keep trying and adapting to changes as they come. Yes, we fall seven times but we get up every time…

Something that helped was picking up my laptop and writing about the ‘pain’… Also, remembering the dreams I got to see in real life… The many times I smiled at myself thinking… ‘This is real, it came true’. So people, let’s get our vision boards back up… We’ve got a lot of work to do!

But first, some chicken wings lol…

Trust…

A lot is going on in the world at the moment… Things we once watched at the cinema… You know… the many apocalypses, pandemic movies that seemed too crazy and too far fetched to ever happen. And then one day, it did…

We woke up and found ourselves in a state of panic and fear, but this time no Tom Cruise or Will Smith to save us. Yep, everyone had to stay home, even the heroes we believed were real (I believed Xmen and Superman were very real until recently lol). But what happened to the ‘crazy’ scientist who tried to warn the government about this? Or the guy who had visions about this day and no one believed him? To be honest, it all feels like a dream to me. I’m sure we’d all wake up pretty soon and realize we were THE movie. I mean, who would have thought Heathrow would look like a family reunion no one bothered to RSVP? And how fast the virus spread… The many lives lost… And the millions at risk trying to curb it… stop it…

I remember earlier on in February, having a laugh at Leicester square thinking it’ll all blow over soon… And now, half the year is gone already and not sure how life would look by Christmas… Some days I can’t make sense of it all, but most days I trust in God because going forward we need something… or someone to believe in to get through to the other side… or even the next day… Life as we see it now isn’t like the movies, it doesn’t end in 2hrs when our main actor saves the day and we leave our empty seats and popcorn bags behind…

Take the wheel Lord… We are in this together…

Let go

…I almost reached out to him today… still can’t believe it. Maybe it’s the familiar… or he was all I had for a long time… He knew me inside out… to a large extent that is. Someone I always ran to when I had a problem or tough time… always had the right things to say to comfort me. To be fair, it wasn’t always bad… but we had terrible clashes, and I fought dirty a lot of those times… Why? It felt justified for the many lies he told in the past, the deceit… There were hard days when I would torment myself and think of everything… from the beginning… the day we first met and how I fell for him. Quite tragic… That wasn’t meant to happen, none of it was meant to… but I felt I was in control and ‘it could never be me’ … Well, many years later… it was me. Broken… devastated by this person I chose to love and genuinely cared for. To be honest, it was kind of sweet pain. I felt in control when I held on to all the rage… It empowered me in a very strange way. But looking back now, it was doing more harm than good. I had turned into a version of myself I never thought existed… Oh! How I remember the last argument… it was heavy. He called it a ”bloody Thursday”… Very different this time, something he… we had never experienced. Every ounce of venom, resentment, and anger I let out that fateful afternoon… I remember it so well… so vividly. Imagine a dragon spitting fire on someone who tried to hurt her babies… It was brutal… and then I knew it was over… There was nothing left in me anymore… I was done… empty. There was no going back after this… no apology could salvage it… My heart… soul, knew it was over… He probably wasn’t aware, I didn’t care… This was the day I had been waiting for so long… liberty had finally called my name…

I sometimes think to share with Sim, you know… my life before him… But strangely he seems to already know about it somehow… The pain most especially… or why else would he almost bite my hand off the moment I tried to dial the number from my past…

…Angels exist I tell you… God named mine Sim…

“I love you fluffy face”

screenshot_20190107-1730505168054123598473887.png