I barely slept… The pain in my head just wouldn’t stop… It took a while to get some calm… I kept fighting the urge to replay every single moment back… You know, those moments where you think of a million things you should have said… Or not said. That was last night…

The sun came out today thankfully… That ray of hope I so desperately clung to… That somehow it will all fall into place… Work in my favour… I was sure I heard him right… Or maybe I thought I did… Or was it like mother Eve back in the day when that slimy serpent asked a simple but deadly question…. “Did He really say not to eat …” I found myself asking the same question… Did he really say this was the one for me?

To be honest I was 60% sure this wasn’t for me… Yes, it was a dream… A childhood fantasy I ‘always’ wanted… I was so sure of it I even convinced everyone else it was the only thing for me. But two days into test running cleared the roses from my spectacles… Still on the fence, I thought to give it a try, after all he ‘said’ go North… So I did… I agreed to go for it…

‘I’ll just go straight to the point..’ Surprisingly I was calm through it… Feedback was good but the mistakes were obvious to both of us… and probably everyone else present in the room… I wasn’t prepared enough for it. I didn’t go deep enough… Give them what they needed to hear… But now I had all this info… They wanted me to try again soon…

But in the end, I had to let them know… This isn’t for me. It was a win-win… I knew for sure my home was somewhere else… And now I’m back in His courts waiting to hear what next as I remember the lessons learnt… To never trust or boast in me… And to believe it’s all going to work together for my good…

Photo by Rodolpho Zanardo on Pexels.com

The future is bright… Like the sunflower, I’ll always keep my face to the sun…

Never Alone…

In the pit… Dark with no sign of hope… scary and silent. I didn’t know how much they hated me… Or how much I pushed them to it.

They were… are my brothers… I never thought they would go this far… But they did. I thought I was going to die in there… But you sent a band of strangers, merchants to ‘rescue’ me… to transport me to my place of destiny. I miss home a lot… Will I ever see father again to tell him everything they did…?

In a new city… A new life. Different from the pleasures I had back home in my motherland. Here nobody recognised me as the special child I was. If only they saw my coat of many colours, they would give me the respect I deserve… But no, I was a stranger amongst them… I felt alone. Not in a pit this time, but in a foreign land… I know no one. But you caused your favour to surround me as a shield. Your spirit in me made me superior to all in his house… Except her. I didn’t want her… I just wanted to serve my master and do my job. She wanted more…. She wanted me. I couldn’t… I didn’t want to hurt the one who kept me this far. Saying ‘no’ didn’t save me… She had my jacket in her hands… Sigh

Alone again… But not afraid because I know you are with me. There is purpose in the pain… The dungeon became my training ground for service. He trusted me to manage his business… And I did. The two in my watch looked exceptionally down… maybe I can help. It’s not always about me. Now I know why, their dreams sealed their fate… The butler and the baker. “Remember me when you get out”… It echoed after him as he left for the palace… It’s been a year and I’m still here…

My hope is in you oh God, not man. The moment I decided to rest in you, they sent for me. They shaved my head and changed my clothes… It’s all behind me now. The pit, prison, and the lies of Mrs. Potiphar. It didn’t matter anymore… My time had come… I was ready and prepared to stand before the throne as a mouthpiece for the One who kept me in this foreign land. The one who gave me the dreams many years ago when I was naive and foolish… Who vindicated me through it all… And who never left me alone. Now my God has made me king over this land and all who hear my voice will obey my command… And bow at my feet.

I’m different now, it’s not about the accolades but about preserving the ones he put in my hands. The chosen people… But wait, I see them coming to beg for food…

The evil they meant for me… My father turned it to good. I forgive them because I am no longer that young boy... Besides my Ephraim and Manasseh are my righteous reward… For he made me forget the pain of my past… blessed and made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.

Lost

For a couple of days, I’ve felt so lost. In the sense that I seemed to have little or no zest for the things I would normally love doing. For instance, I love food. More eating out than cooking *rolls eyes*, but I do cook once in a Blue Moon when something gets a hold of me. Lol. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my frequent visits to the kitchen to put something together. More like I’m eating to survive than cooking from a happy place. Has that ever happened to you?

I don’t know if it makes sense but my mind is pretty much on snooze mode. It’s been that way for a while. Maybe it’s the after shock of the lockdown or constantly trying not to live in fear of what’s out there. I recently had a work update kinda refresh meeting a while back and to be honest, I was totally blank. I wasn’t in the mood and everything that was said pretty much went out the window before it hit me. Was it burnout? Or something did happen to me? Thankfully, the person on the other end understood. Their response? “We’re all in this together”. How reassuring was that? They didn’t push or make me feel like there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t alone, and that felt soothing. Another person shared and understood the void…Blankness.

The next day it felt like I had been injected with some kind of ‘energy-you-can-conquer-the world’ drug because I worked on the projects assigned to me. But guess what happened after? I was back to that sinking feeling… I tried to express myself through words but nothing, zilch… Nada. As much as I love to write, I couldn’t think of anything… I had left the building somehow, no inspiration what’s so ever. And the worst? No desire to order a takeaway!! OMG! Houston we have a problem!!! So I decided to take it a day at a time. Yes, I may have the random Haribos for dinner and cereals more often than not, but one day I hope to get back to doing one of the things I absolutely love- Eating and cooking…

Till then, enjoy the flashbacks of the ‘good’ times, and remember we’re all in this together.

Hang in there, it’ll soon be over.

Baby…

‘We had a baby!’

These words never hurt as much as they did this morning when I came across a post on Facebook. Yes, I was excited for her. She just had a baby but there was an issue buried deep down in my heart I didn’t know existed till I saw the post… I clicked on the picture and saw the gorgeous baby…

Why did it hurt so much? Maybe I realized there was something in my life that was missing… or maybe something I haven’t achieved yet. Not that I wanted a baby, No… it just made me think of the many dreams and visions I had lined up months ago for the years ahead… Yes, I am an ‘active’ dreamer… Not just a dreamer, but I challenge myself to fulfil everything I see in my head. But life over the past few months has taught me and many others that sometimes we make plans then without warning, ‘fate’ throws a spanner of some sort in the works. So everything or maybe most things I wanted to achieve… you know, ‘the vision board’… just seemed like cardboard filled with wishes… yes… wishes… That hurt.

Seeing the baby triggered loads of thoughts… and for a bit, I must admit I was down… didn’t want to get out of bed.. and it got me thinking how many people might feel this same way with all that’s happening in the world due to the lockdown. Almost every day there’s a new company laying off staff… Companies that for so long seemed like the yardstick for the perfect business. Well, now we know there is no such thing as perfect right? Just ‘good’ for the moment. It’s all about being quick to adapt… Get hit, knocked down, and maybe dazed for a couple… But we need to get back up and try again, keep trying and adapting to changes as they come. Yes, we fall seven times but we get up every time…

Something that helped was picking up my laptop and writing about the ‘pain’… Also, remembering the dreams I got to see in real life… The many times I smiled at myself thinking… ‘This is real, it came true’. So people, let’s get our vision boards back up… We’ve got a lot of work to do!

But first, some chicken wings lol…

Trust…

A lot is going on in the world at the moment… Things we once watched at the cinema… You know… the many apocalypses, pandemic movies that seemed too crazy and too far fetched to ever happen. And then one day, it did…

We woke up and found ourselves in a state of panic and fear, but this time no Tom Cruise or Will Smith to save us. Yep, everyone had to stay home, even the heroes we believed were real (I believed Xmen and Superman were very real until recently lol). But what happened to the ‘crazy’ scientist who tried to warn the government about this? Or the guy who had visions about this day and no one believed him? To be honest, it all feels like a dream to me. I’m sure we’d all wake up pretty soon and realize we were THE movie. I mean, who would have thought Heathrow would look like a family reunion no one bothered to RSVP? And how fast the virus spread… The many lives lost… And the millions at risk trying to curb it… stop it…

I remember earlier on in February, having a laugh at Leicester square thinking it’ll all blow over soon… And now, half the year is gone already and not sure how life would look by Christmas… Some days I can’t make sense of it all, but most days I trust in God because going forward we need something… or someone to believe in to get through to the other side… or even the next day… Life as we see it now isn’t like the movies, it doesn’t end in 2hrs when our main actor saves the day and we leave our empty seats and popcorn bags behind…

Take the wheel Lord… We are in this together…