He has my heart…

“When we fall, we take God with us…” Those words hit like a lightning bolt… The past couple of months have been tough… But somehow you remember who’s you are… How far you’ve come…and how much he sacrificed to get you here… Yes, you’re finally in a good place… Free from the entanglements that looked like pearls… Chains painted in gold… Lies wrapped up in foil… Finally free from the pain.. The anger that kept you bound for years…but somehow… Your heart begins to jump…do cat wheels just thinking about “it” again… Sigh

It’s a natural feeling… Or so you tell yourself each time those lights go off… You know, those moments that trigger the desires… I wasn’t looking I promise… I always said the truth about that… A lie would complicate things… Just tell it as it is… He’ll understand… Never judge…

He has my heart…but I want someone to hold my hands… My hips and lips… Is it wrong to desire something so sweet…so powerful…yet so damaging in the “wrong” hands…? I want it…you..but I can’t do this to him… It will hurt him… Me…

Maybe it’ll happen as I’ve always imagined or notOr maybe it’ll drop in my laps when I least expected… On a hot summer day sitting under the weeping willow tree…

My Amazon experience…

No, not the jungle… Just those brown boxes with a smile lol. Yes, that somewhat addictive site… The other day I was bored and somehow found myself scrolling through. It’s like a treasure hunt… Things you never knew existed… or thought you would ever need lol. Before you know it, you’re busy clicking away filling up your basket with the strangest things haha. The ‘worst’ part (for my credit card lol) is the prime benefits! O M G! Order a toothpick and have it delivered in a few hours or the next day for F R E E… That was it. I was hooked… It felt like I had magic powers haha. With that feature, I saw the smiley boxes increase by the day…

But like all relationships, it wasn’t all smooth sailing lol. One time I had to return stuff cos it was a deal too good to be true *side eye*… I thought I smashed a bargain on some earphones (for the many Zoom calls sigh, draining I know). One Lightning speed delivery later… I found myself excited to unveil the package… Opened it up and let’s just say Zengyu ain’t Sony haha… So off to the corner shop I went to return it. This episode stressed me out cos it happened during the lockdown… The closest locker was miles away and I just wasn’t having it. Too much stress for something so little… Yes, returning a PlayStation or a 50” Tv would have made a lot more sense. Or I could have taken my ‘L’ and moved on… So, I took a break from ordering non-essentials for a bit… but moved on to Prime video smh…

Remember those funny memes online… You know, the one about sitting in the dark at almost 3 am watching stuff when you need to be up by 6 am? That was me, browsing through all the series, movies on Prime… The funny thing was I could barely find much stuff that tickled my fancy… It’s the scrolling that took forever *kmt*. Eventually, I did find a few good series/movies (did someone say ‘Back to the Future’? haha)… Didn’t want to make staying up late a habit, so cancelled my subscription. Yes, ended my prime subscription people…. No more same day/one day/ express deliveries… haha. And most importantly, no more midnight ‘viewings’ looking for something to watch… It’s kinda similar to ‘real-life’… Oftentimes we need to assess our relationships and where it’s ‘going’ or not going… then make the tough choice to let go and stay gone lol. Easier said than done, I know *rolls eyes*

But like the ex that won’t let go even after cutting all ties… He/she/them/us/we sends messages trying to woo back (in this case, Amazon sending emails trying to ‘tempt’ me back to commit haha… Errr, no thank you)… For a split second, you reminisce on the ‘good’ times… The butterflies start to rise, and then ‘SWAT’ you knock that feeling back to the pits where it came from lol… Nope, it’s over… Thank you for the memories…

I think it’s time I picked up a new hobby… Maybe find an interesting book to read… Kindle perhaps? Haha…

And no, it’s not a paid adJust me rambling lol

See you soon

10:50pm… December 22.

Sim’s barking frantically… Impossible to get any sleep now. Arghhhh… I grab my phone… go through the messages. Nothing from dad… just Lily. She’d sent several messages… I hope she didn’t see Sim being naughty earlier… I cringe at the thought as I read her first message… Fingers crossed, she just wanted to say “Thanks for coming“…

He’d gotten her number somehow, and sent messages… The toffee cheesecake was from him… I panicked… The next message I read made me jump out of bed. He had come over to apologize… then asked her out for a drink to talk things over. She agreed… I froze… She sent me the address of the restaurant and asked me to check up on her to make sure she was OK… This was almost an hour ago…

I tried calling her back… It kept going to voicemail. I didn’t know what to think… I got dressed, sent Dad a message telling him about the situation… If he didn’t hear from me in half an hour, he should call the police. But I was sure it’ll all be okay… I had Sim with me…

We made it to the restaurant, by then it was closed but they remembered seeing someone who looked like her… She left with a gentleman… ‘Gentleman’ might be pushing it a bit too far… I didn’t bother arguing with them. Quickly, I scanned through our conversation earlier on at dinner, the places she spoke about… Where she’d go to ‘feel’ safe, or block the world out and then it clicked… The little lake on the other side of the park! I ran with all my strength… It wasn’t until later I realized how far it was… It didn’t matter at the time… All I wanted was to make sure she was safe and far away from him.

I was right… I saw her… them, and in a flash he raised his hand to her… I don’t know where the courage came from… I charged at him with everything I had… he didn’t see it coming…

Sim bit his arm and kept nudging at his legs… this was our chance to getaway. But Lily was too scared to move… I bent over to grab her, and that was when I felt a big thump at the back of my head… then everything started getting dark

I could hear Sim in the background… It seemed something had come over him… He was protecting me… us… this was my proudest moment… I had someone fighting for me…

But then I thought… “Who would protect him…?”

Silence.

Friday

Back at my ward… I gently lay on my side… trying to hide my tears from the other patients… For once I wished I had a private room…

Gradually my mind began to replay the events of that fateful day...

She opened the door and I couldn’t believe it was the same person I saw earlier at the café. She had morphed into something else… Her smile was different… radiant. I handed her the tulips and for a second, I thought she won the lottery. She loves… loved tulips… I got them free from the supermarket earlier in the day… She didn’t need to know… it’s the thought that counts…

Her house was something out of a glossy home and garden magazine, you know… the Pinterest kind of perfect layout. I couldn’t believe we lived on the same street! I was still living out of my suitcase… I couldn’t be bothered to unpack all the bags. I still had issues with all the mental baggage I so desperately needed to get rid of… that was my main priority…

Lily seemed more a ‘lady of leisure’ like I sometimes imagined myself to be… (I tend to dream of living in a castle by the manor, walking Sim and his pups). The photos on her walls, the way she spoke, and the many travels she had been on… They all seemed to tell a story… She was quite an interesting person… but there was more…

Shortly after, dinner was served and I must say I was pleasantly surprised. I was tempted to ask for a plate to go, but they say ‘first impressions’ matter. I decided to pass this time… if only I knew I would never get another chance… As she cleared up the plates, I spotted the bruise on her back. It caught me by surprise and wasn’t sure what to do…or say. We’d only just met… would she think me intrusive to ask? Sim seemed to notice as well, he came right next to me and didn’t move for the rest of the night. I couldn’t text Harry to ask him what to do… we were still getting to know each other, and it might be too soon to ‘bother’ him with what could turn out to be nothing… I messaged Dad instead, and we both agreed it would be a good idea to ask her about it…

It all started back in high school when she noticed the notes in her locker every Friday morning. He eventually walked up to her and asked her to be his date for prom. She had a smile on her face when she spoke about the time they met… It is always sweet at the beginning… Then began the years of horror… She never stopped loving him, but she knew the relationship was toxic… She changed a lot of things about herself, but that wasn’t enough to keep him… or stop him from hitting her… I almost had a panic attack as she spoke… Everything she said sounded too close to home… too familiar… I lived her life… the only difference was I broke free… and now I wanted her on this side too. She moved here a few months ago to get away from him and for a while, it seemed to work… until she started receiving gifts in the post… every Friday. She was scared… and so was I.

The toffee cheesecake looked nice, but by then I was too stuffed to take a bite. She packed some in a little bag. I asked if she made it herself… she said something about the next-door neighbor leaving it out for her. Alarm bells went off in my head… She seemed too trusting… I scribbled my phone number and told her to text me anytime… I wasn’t going to miss any chance to help her… We were in this together.

On our way back home, Sim knocked the bag out of my hand and on to the sidewalk… cake all smashed to bits… I was a bit upset… but the truth is, I wasn’t going to eat any of it anyway… It just didn’t feel right. Moments later, and lights out… I slip into bed and for a minute, reminisce about the whole day… Lily and her beautiful house… her awesome cooking… and the bruise on her back…

And then I begin to count sheep…

A text comes in… might be Dad checking how the evening went… I’ll call him tomorrow…

Lily

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December 27…

It was a day after I woke up at the hospital that Dad mentioned something about Lily… At first, I struggled to remember who she was and why he wanted me to see her ‘one last time’…

I still had trouble standing on my own, and so dad helped me walk down the hospital corridors to where she was… I wasn’t prepared for what I saw… She was cold to touch… All I could think of was why wasn’t anyone trying to keep her warm or help her before something happens to her… but after a second look at the body, it dawned on me she was gone… Her neck had a strange blue color to it… Words failed me… She had this peaceful look on her face… Her smile took me back to that evening we first met… and the dinner at her house. My heart sank… I fell to the ground weeping… “I couldn’t save her…”

I was her ‘next of kin’… I didn’t understand. How was that even possible? We just met a few days ago at the cafe around the corner. But it seemed she trusted me to help her… save her from him and everything… The doctors handed me a little notebook they found tucked tightly in her jeans. It was covered with blood… Hers… I couldn’t hold back the tears as I read through the stained pages… It hurt to the deepest part of my soul… She had been in an unstable relationship for years and somehow couldn’t find a way out. He hurt her and she knew it was only a matter of time before her dreams would disappear… permanently. Until that beautiful day, I moved in next door…

Mr. Lucky cat had somehow wandered into my yard and Sim wasn’t too pleased with that. For one, we just moved in and two… this was his turf. She watched from her window as I came out and tried to solve the little “mix up” between the two new roomies… Then it hit her! This could be the one to save her… And from then on, she watched me daily… My runs, routines, and everything in between…

As fate would have it, she got her chance to meet… She saw me heading to Gretel’s cafe and decided to take a chance…

Her final cry for help…